Word Humor Page

FOR ALL LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Puns

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him....what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally... there was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Subject: Company Stock Mergers (Too Funny)

As you know, the stock market has been in flux lately. It seems that, because of current economic conditions, many companies are contemplating mergers and acquisitions. Here are a few on which to keep an eye:

1. XEROX and WURLITZER. (They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS. (The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER. (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, & HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS. (The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR. (The new company will be called MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE. (The new company will be called Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL. (The new company will be called Honey I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING. (The new company will be called Mine All Mine)

9. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS. (The new company will be called Poupon Pants)

10. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN. (The new company will be called Knott NOW)

11. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING. (The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

12. HOOSIER TIRES and YOKOHAMA TIRES. (The new company will be called Hoosier Mama.)

Van Gogh's Family

Actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well.duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (.and you thought????.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and. I'm taking this because???.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to. what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Salisbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh. fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my gosh. Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Title: Sum New Roolz (new rules of grammar)

There has been some discussion on the list about matters pedantical. I think all dissention would be ended if we adopted the following simple rules, which I submit especially for the approval of the Rex Ferarum Finium, or King of the Wild Frontier : )

1. Verbs has to agree with their subject.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague.
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. No sentence fragments.
10. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
11. One should never generalise.
12. Don't use no double negatives.
13. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
14. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
15. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
16. Kill all exclamation marks!
17. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
18. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit when its not needed.
19. Puns are for children, not for groan readers.
20. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

These are taken from real Résumés and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
2. "A room temperature IQ."
3. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
4. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
5. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
6. "Bright as Alaska in December."
7. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
8. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
9. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
10. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

Quotes from Police Reports: Car Accidents

• "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
• "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
• "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
• "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
• "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
• "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
• "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
• "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
• "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
• "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
• "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
• "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
• "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
• "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
• "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
• "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
• "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
• "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
• "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
• "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
• "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
• "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
• "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
• "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
• "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
• "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
• "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
• "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
• "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
• "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Other Accidents:

• "My finger hit the band saw, damaging it."

Insurance Form Anecdotes:

• In France, not very long ago, the forms used for notifying insurers of accident, illness, or pregnancy were based on the same mold. Consequently, expectant mothers were asked, "Was the accident caused by some third party?" Invariably, the answer was, "No, only by my husband."

Courtroom Quotations

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
• Witness: "I only have one, you know."

• Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
• Witness: "By death."
• Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

• Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

(The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.)

• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
• Witness: "July 15th."
• Lawyer: "What year?"
• Witness: "Every year."

• Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
• Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

• Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
• Witness: "I forget."
• Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

• Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
• Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
• Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
• Witness: "Forty-five years."

• Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
• Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
• Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
• Witness: "My name is Susan."

• Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
• Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

• Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
• Witness: "After the accident?"
• Lawyer: "Before the accident."
• Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

• Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
• Witness: "Yes, sir."
• Lawyer: "What did she say?"
• Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

• Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
• Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
• Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
• Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

• Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

• Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
• Officer: "Yes, I do."
• Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
• Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

• Lawyer: "What happened then?"
• Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
• Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
• Witness: "No."

• Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
• Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

• Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

• Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

• Lawyer: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"

• Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

• Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

• Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

• Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
• Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

• Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
• Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
• Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

• Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
• Witness: "That's me."
• Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

• Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

• Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
• Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
• Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

• Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
• Witness: "Four times."

• Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

• Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
• Witness: "None."
• Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

• Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

• Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

• Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
• Witness: "Not yet."

• Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

• Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
• Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
• Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

• Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
• Witness: "Borofkin."
• Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
• Witness: "I can't remember."
• Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
• Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
• Witness: "No."

• Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
• Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

• Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
• Witness: "Fair."

• Lawyer: "Are you married?"
• Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
• Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
• Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

• Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
• Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

• Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
• Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

• Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
• Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

• Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
• Witness: "Yes sir."
• Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

• Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
• Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

• The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

• Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
• Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
• Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
• Witness: "Attached to the ears."

• Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
• Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

• Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
• Witness: "Oral."
• Lawyer: "How old are you?"
• Witness: "Oral."

• Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
• Witness: "She is my daughter."
• Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

• Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

• Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

• Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
• Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
• Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

• Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
• Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

• Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
• Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
• Lawyer: "It was covered?"
• Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
• Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
• Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

• Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
• Witness: "I could see his head."
• Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
• Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

• Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
• Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

• Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
• Witness: "The victim lived."

• Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
• Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

• Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
• Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

Resumes:

• "I am very detail-oreinted."
• "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
• "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
• "Served as assistant sore manager."
• "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
• "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
• "Special skills: Thyping."
• "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
• "I can play well with others."
• "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
• "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
• "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
• "I eat computers for lunch."
• "I have used lots of software appilcations."
• "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
• "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching
• "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
• "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
• "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
• "I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."
• "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."
• "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led normadic lifestyle."
• "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
• "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."
• "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."
• "I love dancing and throwing parties."
• "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
• "I am a rabid typist."
• "Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."
• "Special Skills: Speak English."
• "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
• "Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."
• "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
• "Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
• "Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."
• "Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
• "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."
• "Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."
• "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
• "Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
• "My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."
• "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
• "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
• "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
• "Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."
• "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
• "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
• "Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."
• "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
• "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."
• "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."
• "Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Cover Letters:

• "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
• "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
• "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
• "If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."
• "You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"
• "I am sicking and entry-level position."
• "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
• "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."
• "I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."
• "Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."
• "I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."
• "I need just enough money to have pizza every night."
• "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
• "I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."
• "My primary goal is to be recognized."
• "Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."
• "My salary requirement is $34 per year."
• "I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."
• "I am superior to anyone else you could hire."
• "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
• "Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."
• "I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."
• "I worked here full-time there."
• "I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."
• "You are privileged to receive my resume."

Patient Charts

You wouldn't think there were so many ways to misstate a health problem.

The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.

Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:

• "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
• "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
• "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
• "The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed."
• "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
• "The patient refused an autopsy."
• "The patient has no past history of suicides."
• "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
• "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
• "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
• "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
• "She is numb from her toes down."
• "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
• "The skin was moist and dry."
• "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
• Patient was alert and unresponsive."
• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
• "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
• "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
• "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
• "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

Patients' Sign-In Complaints:

• "Diarear."
• "Sore trout."

Classified Ads

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers across the nation.

• "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
• "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
• "Washing machine: free to good home."
• "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
• "Great Dames for sale."
• "Lost Cocktail."
• "Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
• "Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
• "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
• "Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
• "Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
• "This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
• "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
• "Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
• "Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
• "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
• "Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
• "Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
• "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
• "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
• "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
• "His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
• "For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
• "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
• "Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
• "We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
• "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
• "Tattoos done while you wait."
• "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
• "Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
• "If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
• "Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
• "Stock up and save. Limit: one."
• "For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
• "Man, honest. Will take anything."
• "Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
• "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
• "3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
• "Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
• "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
• "Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
• "Illiterate? Write today for free help."
• "Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
• "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
• "Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
• "And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
• "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

Misc. Mis-Quotations

Restaurants:

• "Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.
• "Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
• "Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.
• "Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.
• "You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.
• "Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.
• "Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"
• "Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.
• "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
• "What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"
• "What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.
• "Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.
• "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"
• "How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"
• "Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"
• "Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"
• "Our whipped butter is made with margarine." -- On a menu.
• "7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings." -- On a menu.
• "We dare you Burger for two (Served on a Stretcher) - A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher." -- On a menu of a restaurant in Danvers, Massachusetts.
• "Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.
• "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.
• "We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.
• "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
• "That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.
• "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
• "Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.
• "Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.
• "This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.
• "I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"

Movie Theaters:

• "Are Saving Private Ryan and Private Ryan two different films?" -- Asked of a moviegoer, referring to the theater's marquee, that displayed abbreviated film titles due to a lack of letters.
• "For The Lion King, you have shows at 11:45 and at 12:15. Does that mean it's a half-hour long?" -- Asked by a customer of a multiplex.
• "Can I still have a ticket? I'll find a seat." -- Asked by a customer after being told a particular showing of a movie was sold out.

Video Stores:

• "Do you sell butter dishes? Why not?" -- Asked by a customer.
• "Diapers! I need diapers!" -- Demanded by a customer, gesturing angrily and waving his arms around.

Shopping:

• "I need blades for this." -- Woman, holding up a belt sander.
• "Do you carry blades that can go over rocks?" -- Woman, buying her third lawn mower blade in two weeks.
• "Do you have wheels?" -- Customer who, when questioned as to what type of wheels, replied, "You know! Wheels!"

Transportation:

• "What time does the 7 o'clock ferry leave?"
• "We might be late because of bad weather. If we are, would you hold the ship until we get there?" -- A man on the phone with a ferry service.
• "It depends. Are you coming from the north or south?" -- A man, when asked if one should turn east or west after getting off the freeway.
• "Horizon proudly donates a portion of the proceeds from our complimentary in-flight service to the preservation of Glacier National Park." -- A flight attendant, describing Horizon Airline's complimentary beverage and snack service.

Dictated To Staff Members of a Typing Pool:

• "According to witnesses, he suddenly struck the victim with a clenched face."
• "He walks up and down stairs, holding onto mother's hand one foot at a time."
• "Mother reported a gunshot wound to the derriere, apparently grazing the ear with subsequent hearing loss."

Headlines:

• "Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.
• "Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche" -- A front page headline in the National Post.
• "Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.
• "Ministry Probes Dead Fish" -- In a local paper in Canada.
• "Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.
• "Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

Geography:

• "England? Can you get there by train?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.
• "England? That's in London, isn't it?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.
• "England? That's near Paris, the city of love!" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.
• "Do they have beer there?" -- Asked of an English tourist in a bar in the United States.
• "So, you guys are from Ireland -- did you drive across?" -- Asked of two Irish women on a trip to Delaware.
• "Oh, are you going to drive there?" -- Asked repeatedly of a couple moving to Iceland.
• "You guys are working on the Fourth of July? I can't believe it! Don't you celebrate it?" -- Asked of an English employee by an American employee of a international company.
• "You're from New Zealand, aren't you? That's just off the southeast corner of Canada, isn't it?" -- Asked of a New Zealander on a trip to Washington D.C.
• "What do you mean New Hampshire's a long distance call?! It's part of Massachusetts!" -- Declared by someone who grew up in Boston.
• "What state is Minnesota in?" -- Overheard in a store.
• "After moving here, how were you able to know what the speed limit was? Could you read our traffic signs?" -- Asked of a Canadian who moved to the United States.
• "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" -- Asked of a travel agent about travel arrangements to Hawaii.
• "Sorry, we don't sell tickets outside of the U.S. . . . I don't care how new Mexico is, we don't sell tickets outside the U.S." -- A ticket salesperson for the 1996 Olympics, on the phone with someone from New Mexico.

Questions:

• "When I press on my brakes, the car doesn't stop. Do you think this is something I should have fixed?" -- Asked of a worker at an auto repair shop.
• "If you record silence on a tape and then play it back with the volume all the way up, will that drown out the noise in the room?" -- Asked by a woman of her boyfriend at the time.
• "Where do you think water comes from? The SKY?" -- From an overheard argument about water conservation.
• "Do you want specific information in general or what?" -- From an overheard conversation between two managers.
• "I wasn't able to tape Oprah. Could I possibly come down there and watch it?" -- Asked of a local television station.
• "Can I speak to Tom Brokaw?" -- Asked of a local cable service representative.
• "What day is New Year's again?"
• "What do you do with the mogels in the summer?" -- Asked of a ski lift operator.
• "Isn't it funny how Thanksgiving lands on a Thursday every year?" -- Woman, overheard in a diner.

News Reports:

• "Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time." -- From a local news report on the aftereffects of 1989's Hurricane Hugo.
• "The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." -- A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.
• "Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving." -- From a local news cast.
• "Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world's oldest panda passed away today. We'll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine." -- From a nightly local news ad.
• "Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We'll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30." -- From a nightly local news ad on the radio.
• "Due to a typing error, Gov Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson." -- Correction in a Massachusetts newspaper.
• "Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Vietnam War." -- From abcnews.com, April 30, 2000. Revisionist history strikes again; now the war only lasted one day.

Signs and Notices:

• "How To Repair Your VCR." -- The title of a how-to video tape.
• "Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" -- On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.
• "Ears pierced while you wait." -- A sign in a shop.
• "Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" -- A sign at a parkling lot in Ocean City, Maryland.
• "Please! No walking allowed without membership card." -- A sign in a mall.
• "If you can't read or write, phone this number."
• "Lunch and Learn Seminar: 'Who's controlling your life?' (get your manager's permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.
• "Warning: Dangerous Area. No Trespassing Without Permission From Main Office." -- A sign outside a lumber yard in Troy, Idaho.
• "Be Kind -- Please Rewind." -- A label on a DVD disc at a rental.
• "We are sorry, but these toilets are out of action. Please use      floor." -- A sign on a shopping center's restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.

Legislator Quotes:

• "It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands."
• "Unfortunately we are not equipped with hindsight in advance."
• "From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine tooth comb."
• "There comes a time to put principle aside and do what's right."

Sports Announcing:

• "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." -- Channel 4 news
• "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." -- Grandstand, BBC1
• "It's an island because it's surrounded by land. I mean water. Islands are surrounded by water, and that affects them." -- A TV commentator for America's Cup racing.

Interviews:

• "Am I cold? Why do you think I'm sitting here under these two Africans?" -- An elderly lady, incredulously, during a televised interview at her home.
• "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" -- Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."

Explanations:

• "Because the number and quality of applicants is so high, it is impossible for us to accept any of the qualified people who would like to study at [name of university]." -- A letter rejecting an application to enroll in a graduate program in English.
• "They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- An explanation for why the Air Force bought $1000 pliers.

Mangled Expressions:

• "Your heart is the lifeblood of your body." -- From a radio commercial.
• "Let's nip this in the butt."
• "I'm not going to let this guy shine on my parade."
• "He's disgusting. He smokes like a fish!"
• "If you could get it working I'd be internally grateful." -- From email sent to a web site administrator (no, not the administrator of this one).
• "This is the piece of the puzzle that allows you to paint in the rest of the pie." -- A salesperson, describing a new telephony service.

Other:

• "But I thought the ocean went all the way around the world!" -- A young woman, in response to an attempt to explain why Arizona doesn't have any beaches.
• "That green stuff down there -- that looks like the ground!" -- A passenger on an airplane.
• "No, just a driver's license." -- Woman, when asked if she had a photo ID.
• "1. Resolved, by this council, that we build a new jail. 2. Resolved, that the new jail be built out of the materials of the old jail. 3. Resolved, that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished." -- Board of Councilmen, Mississippi, mid-1800s
• "It works fine. It just doesn't heat." -- Customer, describing a broken microwave to an employee of a repair shop. Also said to this employee, this time about a broken TV, "It works great. It just won't come on."
• "Honey, you tell your husband like I told mine, if you kill it, you clean it!" -- Advice one friend gave to another, who said she had spent the weekend cleaning grout.

The Language Barrier

English is not an easy language. Something that's close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.

Signs and Notices:

• "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.
• "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.
• "Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
• "Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.
• "Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.
• "Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.
• "Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.
• "Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.
• "Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.
• "Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.
• "Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
• "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.
• "Let's decompose and enjoy assembling!" -- Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan.
• "Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
• "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel.
• "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel.
• "Specialist in women and other diseases." -- A sign outside of Roman doctor's office.
• "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room.
• "Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel.
• "To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator.
• "Dresses for street walking." -- A sign outside a Paris dress shop.
• "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.
• "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." -- A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
• "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -- A sign in a Rhodes tailor shop.
• "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -- A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby.
• "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." -- From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong.
• "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." -- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest.
• "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." -- A sign in a hotel in Athens.
• "Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.
• "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.
• "Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator.
• "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -- A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers.
• "Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." -- A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency.
• "We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office.
• "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.
• "Here speeching American." -- A sign in a Majorcan shop entrance.
• "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -- A sign in a Budapest zoo.
• "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service." -- A sign in a Hong Kong supermarket.
• "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -- A sign in a Vienna hotel.
• "Warning: Please do not leave children unattended. We are not responsible for lost children or injuries." -- A sign by an apparently dangerous koi pond in a Chinese Restaurant.
• "Coffee and Snakes" -- A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany.
• "Billiards and Snocker" -- A sign in a pool hall in Ingolstadt, Germany.
• "Cramp Heads" -- On a box of clamp heads from Japan.
• "Stop. Drive sideways." -- A detour sign in Japan.
• "Special Today - no ice cream" -- A sign at a Swiss inn.
• "You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.

Instructions:

• "Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away." -- From instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle.
• "Not to be used for the other use." -- On a Japanese food processor.
• "Hey, you there! Open those windows. Let the air force come in!" -- Spoken by a teacher for whom English was a second language.
• "1. Lift up receiver. 2. Insert phone card. 3. Dial 0999 + number. 4. Say Hello." -- On a phone card in Japan.
• "You will know radio on by enchanting green light." -- From the instructions for a Hitachi radio.
• "Warning! Click the model you need! Be sure to downlode the correct software; otherwise, the device will be out of work!!" -- From the drivers section of a model manufacturer's web site.
• "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself." -- From the instructions on a Japanese hotel air conditioner.
• "Plug the phone jack into the wall. If the phone rings, pick it up and greet the person on the other end by saying 'Hello!' or another such greeting. Once completing your conversation, hang up the phone." -- Instructions for a telephone manufactured in Japan.
• "Please be sure to keep the vents on top open. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and dust." -- Instructions, translated from Mandarin, for a computer monitor.
• "Finger to spiritual emptiness underlying everything." -- How a C manual referred to a "pointer to void."
• "Almighty type." -- On a box for a universal (guitar/bass) guitar holder from Japan.
• "Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases." -- On a bottle of Chinese medicine.
• "I can singing and dancing." -- On a toy gorilla.
• "Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultual." -- Instructions on a chopsticks wrapper.

  "Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try Your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks. the traditional and typical If Chinaes glorious history and culture." -- Instructions on the wrapper for the same brand of chopsticks, as rewritten months later.

  "Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with chopsticks. the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual." -- The same instructions, rewritten still more months later.

Brochures and Newspapers:

• "When a passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage tootle him with vigor." -- From a brochure at a Tokyo car rental firm.
• "Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in." -- From a brochure.
• "Val d'Isere, a resort village, expects you in Winter as well as in Summer for spending relaxing and well-being moments in its comfortable environment." -- From a brochure for the Val d'Isere ski resort.
• "In case of fire, please read this." -- On a Saudi hotel's fire safety brochure.
• "In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away." -- From a tourist brochure.
• "Come to Juan's Jewelry Shop. We won't screw you too much." -- "On cards handed out by a man in front of a jewelry shop in Mexico.
• "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." -- From a story in an East African newspaper.
• "Having freshly taken over the propriety of this notorious house, I am wishful that you remove to me your esteemed costume. Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a french widow in every bedroom, affording delightful prospects. I give personal look to the interior wants of each guest. Here, you shall be well fed-up and agreeably drunk. Our charges for weekly visitors are scarcely creditable. Peculiar arrangements for gross parties, our motto is ever serve you right!" -- From a European holiday brochure.

English Text on Food Packaging:

• "Just like feeling a fruit in just season itself." -- From the packaging of a Japanese brand of orange juice.
• "Black coffee has great features which other coffees have never had: Non-sugar." -- From the packaging of a Japanese brand of coffee.
• "Pocari Sweat is highly recommended as a beverage for such activities as sports, physical labor, after a hot bath, and even as a eye-opener in the morning." -- From the packaging of a Japanese beverage called "Pocari Sweat."
• "What are your priorities? Favor? Refreshment? Price? Sparkle? Sapporo Drafty has them all." -- From the packaging of a Japanese beer.
• "This light and smooth taste drink is the best refreshment to you. Anytime, anywhere, just like your friend." -- From the packaging of a Japanese no-name brand of orange juice.
• "Expiration date: 2 years." -- From the packaging of a Chinese brand of medicine.

Product Name Translations:

• "Bite the wax tadpole." -- "Coca Cola" as originally translated into Chinese. Depending on the dialect, it could have also meant "Female horse stuffed with wax."
• "Schweppes Toilet Water." -- "Schweppes Tonic Water," as originally translated into Italian.
• "It won't go." -- "Nova" in Spanish; this was unfortunate for General Motors, which couldn't seem to sell many Chevy Novas in South America.
• "Monkey spanker." -- "Pajero" in Spanish slang. Urban legend has it only two Mitsubishi Pajeros were ever sold in Spain.

Foreign Text on Food Packaging:

• "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- "Pepsi comes alive," as originally translated into Chinese.
• "Eat your fingers off." -- "Finger lickin' good," as originally translated into Chinese.

From Foreign Menus:

• "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -- From a menu in Switzerland.
• "Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce." -- From a menu in China.
• "Grilled lamp ribs." -- From a menu in Barcelona.
• "'Boys style' little chickens." -- From a menu in Barcelona.
• "Pork with fresh garbage." -- From a menu in Vietnam.
• "Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger." -- From a menu in Poland.
• "French fried ships." -- From a menu in Cairo.
• "Fried friendship." -- From a menu in Nepal.
• "Fried fishermen." -- From a menu in Japan.
• "Gordon blue." -- From a menu in a Korean hotel.
• "Cram Chowder." -- From a Chinese buffet in Canada.
• "Rather burnt land slug." -- On a menu in Thailand.
• "Chessburger." -- On a menu in Poland.
• "Hod dok." -- On a menu in Poland.
• "Turkey meat, salad, and sos." -- A creative spelling of "sauce" on a menu in Poland.
• "Roat poik." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
• "Ckicken Velvet and Ckicken Noddle." -- The soups of the day listing, from a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
• "Ha Ha Fortune Cookies." -- From a menu in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.
• "Sweat from the trolley." -- From a menu in Europe.
• "Salad a firm's own make." -- From a menu in Poland.
• "Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream." -- From a menu in China.
• "Strawberry crap." -- From a menu in Japan.
• "Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." -- From a menu in Poland.
• "Buttered saucepans and fried hormones." -- From a menu in Japan.
• "Indonesian Nazi Goreng." -- From a menu in Hong Kong.
• "Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos." -- From a menu in Cairo.
• "Toes with butter and jam." -- From a menu in Bali.
• "Goose Barnacles." -- From a menu in Spain.
• "Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes." -- From a menu in Japan.
• "Soon Go Fatt" -- The name of a Chinese Restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.

Quotations:

• "Equal goes it loose." -- German president, translating "It will soon begin" into English.
• "I am looking for an realy educated man who can be joke to himself." -- Excerpt from the personal ad of a Russian woman.

Movie Titles:

• "This Hit Man Is Not As Cold As He Thought" -- "The Professional" in Hong Kong.
• "Six Stripped Warriors" -- "The Full Monty" in Hong Kong (the title is a Cantonese colloquialism; in Mandrin, it translates to "Six Naked Pigs").
• "Mysterious Murder In Snowy Cream" -- "Fargo" in Hong Kong (in Cantonese, "snowy cream" is pronounced "fah go").
• "The Big Liar" -- "Nixon" in Hong Kong.
• "Don't Ask Me Who I Am" -- "The English Patient" in Hong Kong.
• "Mr. Cat Poop" -- "As Good As It Gets" in Hong Kong.

Advertisement Quotes For Movies Opening In Taiwan:

• "After Air Force One, Harrison Ford is flying a airplane, again!" -- Six Days, Seven Nights
• "The style of characters is phat, special effects are cool, this film is phat and cool." -- Small Soldiers
• "The perfect style with a great taste to save the world." -- The Avengers

English Subtitles In Hong Kong Films:

• "I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!"
• "I will kill you until you are dead from it!"
• "The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?"
• "I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!"
• "I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way."
• "Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep."
• "I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!"
• "You are too useless. And now I must beat you."
• "Gun wounds again?"
• "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries."
• "You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken."
• "Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants."
• "Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected."
• "Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?"
• "Quiet or I'll blow your throat up."
• "You daring lousy guy."
• "Beat him out of recognizable shape!"
• "How can you use my intestines as a gift?"
• "Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!"
• "This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat."
• "Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination."
• "Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some @$$ of the giant lizard person."

Yogi Berra Quotes

Yogi Berra's second claim to fame is for being one of the most quoted figures in the sports world. He is credited with coining the deceptively simplistic observation, "It ain't over till it's over." But he's also known for his flubs. Here is a collection of the most notorious of these.

• "This is like deja vu all over again."
• "You can observe a lot just by watching."
• "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
• "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
• "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
• "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
• "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
• "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
• "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
• "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
• "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
• "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
• "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
• "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
• "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
• "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
• "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
• "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
• Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
• "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
• "The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running."
• "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
• "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
• "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
• "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
• "I made a wrong mistake."
• "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
• "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
• "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
• "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
• "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
• "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
• "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
• "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
• "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
• "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
• "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
• "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
• "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
• "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
• "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
• "I didn't really say everything I said."

Anagrams

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

== In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politicians:

George Herbert Walker Bush == Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush == He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan == A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo Warlord)
Ronald Reagan == A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich == Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher == That great charmer
The Conservative Party == Teacher in vast poverty

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

== A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

100 More Interesting Ways to Order a Pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
35. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
36. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
37. Imitate the order taker's voice.
38. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
39. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
40. Play a sitar in the background.
41. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
42. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
43. Ask to see a menu.
44. Quote Carl Sandberg.
45. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
46. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
47. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
48. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
49. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
50. Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
51. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
52. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
53. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
54. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
55. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
56. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
57. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired.
58. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
59. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
60. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
61. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
62. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
63. Try to talk while drinking something.
64. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
65. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
66. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
67. Be vague in your order.
68. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
69. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
70. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
71. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
72. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
73. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
74. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
75. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
76. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
77. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
78. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
79. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Learn to Speak Chinese!

English: He's cleaning his automobile Chinese: Wa Shing Ka	English: Is there a fugitive here? Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
English: This is a tow away zone Chinese: No Pah King	English: Small Horse Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni
English: Your price is too high!!! Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!	English: Did you go to the beach? Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?
English: I bumped into a coffee table Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni	English: Has your flight been delayed? Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?
English: It's very dark in here Chinese: Wai So Dim?	English: They have arrived Chinese: He Dei Kum
English: I thought you were on a diet? Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?	English: Your body odor is offensive Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu
English: I got this for free Chinese: Ai No Pei	English: You know lyrics to the Macarena? Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English: Stay out of sight Chinese: Lei Lo

The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea is to redefine words from the dictionary.

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.

Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to share Bill Clinton.

Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam.

Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he or she examines you.

Macadam -- n, the 1st man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible.

Marionettes--n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Title: New Words

The Washington Post's 'Style Invitational' asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & an a--hole.