A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong, father?
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remarked the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was
silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the
old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was
alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis,
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then
asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY
Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
YO MAMA IS SO FAT.... ... When she hauls ass she has to make two trips. ... When she dances she makes the band skip. ... When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. ... She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. ... Her ass has its own congressman. ... Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. ... When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts. ... Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph. ... Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side." ... The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. ... all the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" ... when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. ... when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. ... she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. ... she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. ... when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall. ... she could sell shade. ... when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.. ... people jog around her for exercise. ... I ran around her twice and got lost. ... she gets runs in her jeans. ... her blood type is Ragu. ... when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate. ... if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it! ... she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. ... when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party. ... she can't even jump to a conclusion. ... she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. ... her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What in the world are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and he dances in a gay bar. The other three men grew silent as he continued.
"I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
A blond calls her boyfriend, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says..... "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger; second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, and then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".