Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Othello: Jealousy.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
misplaced concreteness.
Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Constable: To get a better view.
1. I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
12. It was all so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause
kids.
19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the
end
20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
21. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
sun.
22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom
23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
24. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide
to play chess?
27. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
28. There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead.
29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
32. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
35. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having a good time.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance
If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent!
Sacred cows make the best burgers
You're so open-minded, your brains fell out
You might as well take all of me--the parts you want aren't removable
I have an open mind--it's just closed for repairs
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
I've gotta be me--everyone else was already taken
Do not meddle in the place of dragons . . . you are crunchy and taste good with catsup
During investigations, the police must visit a strip club at least once
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple and requires no training.
5. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker than they are to do their
dirty bosses
6. If you find food lying on the ground, eat it.
(a.) Smashing things doesn't hurt.
(b.) Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
7. You can smash things and get away with it.
8. When someone dies, they disappear.
9. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
10. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
11. You never run out of bullets, only grenades.
12. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
13. Whenever huge evil fat men are about to die, they begin flashing red or
yellow
14. When you are born, you're invulnerable for a brief period of time.
15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
predictable patterns which makes it easier for you to shoot them all down.
16. All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies.
17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo lying around for no other
reason than so their bitter enemies can pick them up and defeat them with
it.
18. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
19. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names
20. When driving, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new
one will appear in it's place
| 45. Golf balls are an effective deterrent against GreenPeace weenies. | 44. Even though your asteroid is rotating wildly on 3 axes, you always have a perfect view of the Eastern seaboard of the United States. | |
| 41. In a disaster movie, it's okay to chop a salesman into two pieces, but never ever let the cute little doggy get a scratch. | 40. When parked on an asteroid, low gravity situations never apply to you when you're inside the Space Shuttle. | |
| 39. When on the asteroid's surface, low gravity situations never apply to the equipment you brought with you---unless you need to leap over a giant canyon. | 38. When crashing a Space Shuttle into a low gravity asteroid, you plow into the ground and break apart without bouncing one single time or losing any equipment into space---even if you are travelling faster than the asteroid's escape velocity. | 37. Your thrusters always push you down, even if you are spinning out of control and they're spraying in all different directions. |
| 36. "Laughing With" vs. "Laughing At": When Steve Buscemi delivers a line, that's "Laughing With"; When Bruce Willis delivers a line, that's Laughing At. | 35. Eleven minutes at 8 Gs isn't all that bad. Sure you complain a little, but your loose facial muscles never bend back from the force, your lips don't turn white from blood drainage, and you have no trouble remaining completely conscious the whole time. | 34 (tie). Fire will burn in a vacuum. |
| 34 (tie). Sound will travel in a vacuum. | 33. Not only can a Space Shuttle dock while flying loops around a rotating space station, *two* can do it at the same time. | |
| 31. Explosive decompression and near-absolute zero temperatures never apply to the human body. | 30. Planet killer asteroid coming? Hide in your cellar! | 29. NASA will let any untrained bozo go into space without giving an argument---if he happens to be one of the best damn oil rig workers in the South China Sea! |
| 28. A surface detonation will have no effect on an incoming asteroid. But shoving a nuke into a hole drilled 0.03% of the way into its solid iron crust will split that baby right in two! | 27. Prior to the giant planet killer asteroid, several hundred smaller ones travelling on the exact same trajectory always precede it, giving us ample warning by striking the Earth 3 weeks ahead of time even though we're in a totally different position in our orbit. | 26. When it's your only chance to save the planet, NASA will make sure your first pit stop is with a broken-down Russian space station. |
| 25. Massive iron rocks colliding with your Shuttle at faster than the speed of sound will not penetrate the titanium hull, but bullets will. | 24. A father is always surprised to find his daughter in bed with the only eligible bachelor her age within 1000 miles, especially when said bachelor is good looking and a really nice guy to boot. | 23. In a planet killer situation, NASA's biggest concern next to worldwide rioting is religious hysteria---the last thing we need when faced with the extinction of all life on the planet as we know it is people falling onto their knees and quietly praying. |
| 22. Paris sucked anyway. | 20. Animal crackers are an effective on-screen substitute for sex. | |
| 19. No matter how stupid or life-threatening they might be, always go with your instincts---especially at the end of the movie. | 18. Shuttle about to crash on an asteroid? If you're a passenger, go into the wide cargo bay and don't strap yourself in. | 17. Shuttle about to crash on an asteroid? If you're the pilot do not for any reason whatsoever put your space suit's helmet on. |
| 16. When you're on an asteroid and you need to leap over a giant canyon and clear the towering spires on the opposite slope, drive off a flat surface and turn your thrusters off. | 15. A father always hates it when the one nice, clean-cut and respectable guy on the rig falls in love with his daughter, especially when he loves the guy like a son. | 14. Trevor Rabin needs to leave the movie industry and return to playing lead guitar for the Rock band Yes, and so does Bruce Willis. |
| 13. Men who are overweight, out-of-shape and untrained can handle the rigors of weightlessness, cramped quarters and extended periods at heavy Gs, but the guy with two Phds always suffers from Space Dementia. | 12. To create 1G of artificial gravity, a 21 foot diameter space station only needs to spin at 2 RPMs, rather than the 228 RPMs that all known laws of physics seem to require. | 11. Shotguns shoot bullets, not shot. |
| 10. Concerned about the bottom line? Don't waste any money on inconsequential things like story line and technical consultants---just make damn sure you hire the best director of TV commercials you can find. | 9. When a Russian Cosmonaut places you in the deepest recesses of his space station and tells you to watch the pressure gauge in case it overloads, run for your life immediately. | 8. A 250 lb. man flying off an asteroid at a velocity of 40 ft./sec. can be effectively stopped by a 175 lb. man grabbing his life-line and tugging with all his strength---don't worry, the 175 lb. man will never be pulled helplessly into space even though he is not tethered to anything himself. |
| 7. Planet killer asteroids heal parent-child relationships better than any psychologist ever could. | 5. Thank God the Cold War's over because those crazy Ruskies can sure be handy to have around---give one a hammer and he can fix anything. | |
| 3. Though it lopes through the atmosphere like an overstuffed 747, when you get it into space, the Shuttle maneuvers exactly like an F/A-18 fighter jet. | 2. Every oil drill needs a gatlin' gun! |
1. "Deep Impact": good Science Fiction. "Armageddon": bad Science Fiction |
|
Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? How did a fool and his money get together? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? Is it possible to be totally partial? Should vegitarians eat animal crackers? When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!" Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there? Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines? Why do we park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail? Can you beat the drum of your ear? Can your eyes be called an school, because there are pupils there? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How can you sharpen your shoulder blades? How did a fool and his money get together to begin with? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If cops hang out at donut shops, why don't bakers hang out at police stations? If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown? |
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If the funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their headlights off? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth, would you use the nails on your toes? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? Is it possible to be totally partial? Is the crown of your head where jewels are found? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a 'practice'? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? What crosses the bridge of your nose? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? What was the best thing before sliced bread? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where can you buy the key to a lock of your hair? Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'? Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Why do they call it a TV set if you only get one? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
|