Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
This warning was forwarded by Peter Gothro, an entomologist at Washington State University, who wishes to warn everyone about the Phthiraptera virus. This virus is twice as bad as the Mallophaga and Anoplura viruses.
Thomas R. Fasulo, Editor
I HATE COMPUTERS Newsletter
http://extlab7.entnem.ufl.edu/IH8PCs/
| Tech Support Nietzsche Style |
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When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a weakling. Only a loser would need to come groveling to you, begging for crumbs of help that may fall from your godlike lips. And he knows that he is a loser in the race of the weak and the strong, that his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you should do so. Key Phrases:
Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He is a lower form of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of evolving to your level. Key Phrases:
Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the compiler is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel superior to anyone, however. The design of a compiler is still far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship, not criticize. Key Phrases:
And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him, or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible and against nature, and does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response is not possible. |
Signs You Have a Bad Computer:
Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-A-Sketch" on it.
In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
Whenever you turn it on all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
The only chip inside is a Dorito.
Computers & Internet
Jokes, Cartoons, Quips, One-Liners, and other stuff...
Computer Class
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
My husband and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the Help Desk. The man on the phone started to talk to Jeff in computer jargon, which confused us even more.
"Sir," my husband politely said, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old."
"Okay," the computer technician replied. "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
You know you've been on the computer too long when you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
A mechanical, electrical and a software engineer from Microsoft were driving through the desert when the car broke down. The mechanical engineer said "It seems to be a problem with the fuel injection system, why don't we pop the hood and I'll take a look at it."
To which the electrical engineer replied, "No I think it's just a loose ground wire. I'll get out and take a look."
Then, the Microsoft engineer jumps in. "No, no, no. If we just close up all the windows, get out, wait a few minutes, get back in, and then reopen the windows everything will work fine."
You know it's time to turn your computer off and read a book when:
A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!"
You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said "You've Got Mail!"
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IM's.
You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
Tech support calls YOU for help.
You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
You say "Scroll Up" when someone asks what it was you said.
You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
"Where did the time go??"
You sit on AOL for six hours for that certain special person to sign on.
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
.....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}and **kisses**.
Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.
You're on the phone and say "BRB."
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP".
You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-Life.
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Abort, Retry, Ignore Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore". Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before. Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones. Clearly, I must now adopt one.... Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key.... But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". I tried to catch the chips off-guard.... I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations. Still there came the incantation.... Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed an died, "Oh no....my database", I cried. I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data....Nevermore!" To this day I do not know The place to which our data goes. Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored. But as for productivity....well, I fear it has gone straight to Hell. And that's the tale I have to tell.... Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". |
DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS Author Unknown If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom. |
There is nothing I like better than to grab a cup of coffee, sit at the computer, and chat with my online friends. The internet provides a little sanity in my otherwise insane existence, but the costs can add up. The average charge for an internet connection, according to my unscientific polling, is about $25.00 per month for a flat-rate connection. Some providers still charge a per-minute rate, which can be exorbitant.
No way will I relinquish my connection when money's tight. I've gone to great lengths to save money and justify the expense to my spouse. Desperate times call for desperate measures! Here are some tips to raise funds for your monthly internet bill:
Scrounge for change under the sofa cushions, behind the refrigerator, in the laundry, and even out of the vacuum cleaner bag if necessary. You may be surprised at the hidden wealth you have waiting for you. Save money on chocolate by pilfering through your kid's Easter baskets and Halloween stash. You could be saving on their dental bills at the same time.
Become environmentally conscious. Send the kids out to collect aluminum cans from the road side. They'll get a great cardiovascular workout, and you'll be alone in the house for a while.
Save money on those high-priced designer cereals. Tell the children that Batman eats corn flakes and the prize is good health. Reduce brain rot in your children by canceling the cable–besides, you have your computer and they can read a book.
Confiscate your husband's pocket change. If he notices, blame the kids. Charge your husband every time you have to do a chore on his "honey-do" list. This will reduce the amount of money he can waste on poker or beer with his friends. Fine your offspring 10 cents each time they whine the "M" word. Add the proceeds to the "curse" jar.
Nothing is more important to me than my sanity tie to the outside world. As I sit here, rolling my pennies, I wonder if other mommies covet their connection too. Judging from the number of buddies on my favorite message boards, I'd say I'm in good company.
I'll sacrifice my Lean Cuisine, forego the membership to the gym, and even think about selling a kidney, but I refuse to hand over my internet connection (or my Midol) without a fight.
Idiot Rants: |
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| When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard. | When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me. |
| How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work? | I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation. |
| I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it? There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them. | I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade, "it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds. |
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I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you want. It's on Earth." |
Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower! |
You know you've been on the computer too much when you get a letter from your doctor like this:
Horace Duhnno
12 Connect Street
Webville, OH 24487
Dear Mr. Duhnno,
Upon reviewing the test results and x-rays regarding your symptoms discussed during your examination on 5/18/99, I have been able to determine the cause and treatment for each of your symptoms as follows:
The inability to straighten the fingers on your right hand is not the result of the work related accident in March. The x-rays reveal the same curvature in the bone structure that is associated with holding your mouse. Please use the keyboard and function keys for a period of at least 7 days, allowing the muscles and tendons to heal.
The results of the blood work has revealed the cause of your stomach disorder is styrafoam consumption. Although this is a expeditious and effortless way of eating, please avoid over heating this material to prevent consumption of the product.
The culture we did on your urinary system has confirmed that the repeated infections are the result of failure to relieve yourself as we discussed. Please excuse yourself from the chat room and frequent the bath room when necessary. If the antiseptic cream is not healing the zipper injury you experienced during your hasty return to the computer, please contact the office for a different medication.
Please adhere to the diet we provided. The meals consisting of potato chips, pizza, and coffee have your potassium level high and we "must" get it under control with proper dieting.
The examination of your eyes and the MRI revealed no causes for the headaches. After giving great thought to your lengthy conversation about your friends and time spent in the chat rooms, might I recommend that you reduce the 6 - 7 hours of chatting per day to a lesser amount of time. This should eliminate the visual strain and stress headaches.
As a treatment for your depression, you might consider establishing more than one email address to provide the volume of incoming messages you seem to be seeking. Also, establishing an ICQ account would provide you another means of instant messaging and increase your "buddy list".
As suspected, the tenderness in your abdomen is a hernia resulting from carrying your computer to technical support and will require immediate surgery. We have scheduled admittance on 6/2/99. As per your request, I have contacted the hospital and am sorry to report that they have no facilities available for internet connection in the recovery nor private rooms. Therefore, it appears that the megafire wireless access will be necessary in order for you access the chat rooms during your hospital stay. Also, public relations has advised they are unable to fulfill your request to notify your "buddy list" once the surgery is complete. Nurse Forshey feels that is a request beyond their capabilities and extends her apology.
The hospital and my staff will be contacting you for additional information necessary for your surgery, so please have your phone line cleared and be prepared to accept incoming calls between 3:00 pm - 4:00 pm tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Dr. J. T. Gates, M.D.
~~~~~
Computer Terms in Maine
| Log on - Make the wood stove hotta. | Hard drive - Getting home in the winta. | Chip - Munchies for TV. | Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully. |
| Log off - Don't add no more wood. | Prompt - What the mail ain't during the winta. | Microchip - The crumbs in the bag after you've eaten the chips. | Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes. |
| Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove. | Window - What to shut when it's cold outside. | Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway. | Web - What a spida makes. |
| Download - Getting the firewood off the truck. | Screen - What to shut during black fly season. | Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife. | Web site - What's found in the corners of high ceilings. |
| Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood. | Screen saver - Duct tape for the torn window screen. | Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out. | Cursor - Someone who swears. |
| Ram - The thing that split that firewood. | Byte - What the black flies do. | Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds. | Search engine - What you do when the caa dies. |
| Bit - What the black flies did. | Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery. | Home page - Map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods. | |
| Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season. | Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box. | Browser - A problem moose in the garden or blueberry patch. | |
| Upgrade - Steep hill. | Network - Mending holes in the fishnet. | ||
| Server - Waitress. | Sound card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it. | Internet - Complicated fishnet repair method. | Online - Good sign there'll be clean clothes this week. |
| Mail server - Male waitress, damn few in Maine. | User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff. | Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network. | Offline - The clothespins let go and the laundry falls to the ground. |
My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."