"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" (sic).
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
| Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. | One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. | Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
| The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. | If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? | If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? |
| I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. | If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? | Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? |
| If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? | Is there another word for synonym? | What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? |
| Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" | Would a fly without wings be called a walk? | If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? |
| Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" | Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? | If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? |
| Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? | Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? | If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? |
| Why do they put Braille on the drive-through only bank machines? | How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? | One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. |
| Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? | What was the best thing before sliced bread? | To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. |
| Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. | Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. | Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. |
| Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. | Women like silent men, they think they're listening. | The older you get, the better you realize you were. |
| Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. | Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? | Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? |
| If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? | If God dropped acid, would he see people? | Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? |
| If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? | If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? | If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? |
| If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? | If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? | Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? |
| Oldies:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" |
1. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL ?
Dam.
2. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.
3. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick..
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese.
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate clauses.
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro sinko.
7. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
9. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.
10. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.
12. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.
13. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
14. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
15. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.
16. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
17. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn,
whack.
18. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet
19. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG< CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish drive=by shooting.
20. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't
listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage
cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
| 1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't! 2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research. 11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning-medicine. 14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 15) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you. 18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again? 21) Mop & Glow - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. 22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon! 23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads! 24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod) 25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. 26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up 27) Procrastinate Now 28) Rehab Is for Quitters 29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone 30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That? 31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit. 32) Finally 21 and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since I was 15. 33) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING 34) West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names 35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software. 36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT 37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes 38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere! 40) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music 41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken 42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead 43) Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog 44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on. 45) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. 46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH 47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory. 48) The Meek shall inherit the earth ... after we're through with it. 49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 51) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years. 52) The trouble with life is there's no background music. 53) IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? 54) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. |
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
misquoted, then used against you.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox
Q:What's an auditor?
A:Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q:When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A:When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q:What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? A:Go into town and gang-audit someone.
Q:What's the definition of an accountant?
A:Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't
understand.
Q:What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him [her!].
Q:What's an actuary?
A:An accountant without the sense of humour.
Q:Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A:They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q:What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A:Invite an accountant.
Q:What does an accountant use for birth control?
A:His/her personality.
Q:What's an extroverted accountant?
A:One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of
his/her own.
Q:There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
A:Those who can count and those who can't.
Q:What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room? A:Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q:What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A:Depreciation.
Q:What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A:An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's /she's
retiring.
19. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
18. The Wit and Wisdom of Mike Dukakis
17. Consumer Marketing Ethics
16. Al Gore: The Wild Years
15. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
14. America's Most Popular Lawyers
13. Career Opportunities for Philosophy Majors
12. Detroit - A Travel Guide
11. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
10. Easy UNIX
9. Tibetan Tips on World Dominance
8. Everything Men Know about Women
7. Everything Women Know about Men
6. French Hospitality
5. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
4. How to Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel
3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
2. The Amish Phone Book
And the Number One World's Shortest Book,
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
1.. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2.. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3.. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4.. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5.. Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6.. Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7.. Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8.. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9.. Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run,
So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10.. Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11.. Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12.. Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13.. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14.. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15.. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16.. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
17.. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18.. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19.. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20.. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
21.. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
22.. Please Bypass this Heart
23.. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24.. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
**click**
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline Automated Answering Service
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please have someone press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, and 5.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are. Please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to push.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you push - no one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding to the side of your head is alive and is about to bite your ear off.
Thank you for calling and have a pleasant day
THE FOLLOWING IS FROM A 1950'S HOME ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK INTENDED FOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS, TEACHING THEM HOW TO PREPARE FOR MARRIED LIFE.
01. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
02. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
03. Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper etc.. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
04. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
05. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of
washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
glad to see him.
06. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
07. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
08. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
09. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
To Whom It May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower.
I want to be six again. I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.
I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips. I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality.
I want to be six again. I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, because I don't know the concept of death. I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first taught them.
I want to be six again. I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me. I want to be nanve enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else. I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for. I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.
I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my girlfriend, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed, Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "but you started it."
This is different than last year's list. 1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Dad's New Wife Robert 4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go to Hell 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11. Some Kittens Can Fly. 12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 13. Grandpa Gets a Casket 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 19. You Were an Accident 20. Things Rich Kids Have But You Never Will 21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games 22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 23. Your Nightmares Are Real 24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you why
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock . .
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then
took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an open fire.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I like you - you remind me of when I was young and stupid.
11. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn!
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17. What am I?!? Flypaper for freaks!?!
18. I'm not being rude - you're insignificant.
19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21. And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
22. Do I look like a people person?
23. This isn't an office - it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
24. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Errors have been made - others will be blamed.
28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
33. Nice perfume - must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
35. How do I get a laser printer to stun?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks!!!
... and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man whom "never knew how much he was kneaded". Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Statewide Safety Competition
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Title: GREAT PREDICTIONS BY EXPERTS
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 15 tons." *
"Popular Mechanics," forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949.
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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." * Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the
best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last
out the year." * The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
195.
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"But what...is it good for?" * Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM commenting on the microchip, 1968.
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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." * Ken
Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
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"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." *
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
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"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular?" * David Sarnoff's associates
in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
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"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." * A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight
delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
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Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" * Harry M. Warner, Warner
Brothers, 1927.
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"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper." * Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone with the Wind."
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"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." *
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting her company, Mrs. Fields'
Cookies.
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"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." *
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
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"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." * Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.
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"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." * Spencer
Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives of 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.
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"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll
give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'
And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we
don't need you; you haven't got through college yet.'" * Apple Computer
Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and
Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
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"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He
seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." * New
York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work,
1921.
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"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to
accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight
training." * Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the
"unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
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"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy." * Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to
drill for oil in 1859.
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"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." *
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
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"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." * Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented." * Charles H.
Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
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"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". * Pierre
Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
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"The abdomen, the chest and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." * Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873.
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"640k ought to be enough for anybody." * Bill Gates, 1981
First Grade..... true story One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S--t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequen incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
"Thaw the chicken."
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bang-kok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Woman who wears G-string is high on crack.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
| CRUSTY The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Don't assume malice for what can be explained by stupidity. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at that tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight....because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right.
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When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL " If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs".
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